Disciplining Children Using the Masks

Disciplining children using the masks simply means you ask them, “What mask are you wearing?” Which is another way of saying, “What bad choice are you making right now?”

Immediacy is the therapeutic term for right then in the moment.

Immediacy is important because it isolates the behavior, and the masks assist the child in identifying the bad choice.

An Introduction to the Masks:

The Masks are 42 bad decisions everyone makes or has made at some point in life; we all have denied, lied, justified, minimized, blamed others, etc…

When it comes to discipling children, the masks, aka bad choices, are the first thing I have parents focus on as they help parents address inappropriate behaviors in a way that does not attack or shame their children.

When I was a young parent, I thought I had to yell, cuss, and be angry when correcting my children so that they would know I wasn’t playing with them, and I needed them to hear that their behavior was not ok.

BUT…

When my behavior when disciplining my child was worse than the behavior they did that I was correcting, they only focused on how bad MY behavior was, never how bad THEIR behavior was. (You may need to read that sentence a few times lol.)

Another aspect of discipling children using the masks is that it helps with not having to prove to your guilty child that they are guilty and in need of being disciplined. Let’s see if this parent/child interaction looks familiar:

Mom: Please don’t talk to your sister like that.

Daughter: I didn’t say anything wrong! (Stated angrily and defensively)

Mom: Telling her to ‘shut up’ is wrong.

Daughter: I knew you’d take her side, you always take her side. I hate being in this family!

Mom: (stated angrily and defensively) Yeah… like you have it so rough, with your name-brand clothing, nice house, food to eat.

Daughter: Stacy’s house is a lot bigger than ours is, and her mom is way cooler than you are!

Mom: And you think you’re a prize? You are a rude, selfish little brat!

Daughter: See! I knew you hated me, you just said so!

That went sideways quickly huh? Remember the picture of satan whispering in the mom’s ear in the Counting to Three post? (Counting to Three-Makes satan Happy?) That’s exactly what he’s doing in this example as well, but, he’s not just whispering in mom’s ear, he’s got the ear of her child as well.

How it looks if the masks are used:

Mom: What mask are you wearing?

Daughter: I didn’t wear a mask! (Daughter is wearing the Mask of Denial, or possibly Mask of Ignorance, but just in case the daughter really doesn’t know, mom will help her out by saying…)

Mom: I’m going to say you’re wearing the Mask of Rudeness/Disrespect, why would I say that?

Daughter: (sighs dramatically, realizing she isn’t going to get out of being accountable) “Because saying ‘shut up’ is rude and disrespectful.” We know the daughter understands that what she said was wrong because she admitted it was; mom didn’t have to prove it to her.

Mom: Yep, so how are you going to take the mask off?

Daughter: Say sorry (said grudgingly)

Now, what if the daughter refused to identify the mask worn, or began screaming at mom…now what?

Removal of privileges:

Mom would then CALMLY say: “You need to go to your room and don’t come out until you can name the mask you originally wore and the masks you are wearing now.”

Note, mom did not say for how long. The daughter gets to say for how long.

The reason behind this is sometimes the acting out child only needs to place their big toe over the threshold of their bedroom door to realize they don’t want to fight, especially when all they have to do is name the masks they wore, and that’s easy because they KNOW what masks they wore.

Another reason for sending the child to their room is that the acting out child holds their entire family hostage; dinner is ruined as the daughter is in the same room screaming, no game night, parents can not hold a conversation with their other children, they are all at the mercy of the acting out child!

Eventually, the parents’ sadness will turn to anger because their child knows better than to act like this, and it’s unfair that this child rules the household.

Which results in…

Two or more irrational people (mother, father and child) who pour gasoline on each other’s anger fires. Anger fires that open the door for satan to walk through, to enter into the parent/child interactions.

Having the child go to their room with the mask flashcards in hand, helps protect them from satan’s whispers because the child’s mind is focused on answering the question; “Did I wear this mask or not?”

By thinking “Did I wear this mask?” and then placing it in the “yes” or “no” pile, their thoughts stay focused on identifying the masks they wore/bad choices they made.

If you’d like to see the masks in action, click this link which will take you to a four-year-old being accountable by naming the masks she wore when she yelled at her sister: https://youtu.be/EyK8EQeZ6_A

So the masks:

1. Help the child to be accountable

2. Remove battle of wills-which parents hardly ever win

3. Does not require the parent to provide proof of their child’s bad behavior

4. Keeps satan out of the parent/child interaction

5. Doesn’t allow the dysregulated child to hold the family hostage

Something else to consider…

Having an acting-out child is hard, and parents want to know the reason why their child acts the way they do.

When no clear answer presents itself, parents usually blame each other for the child’s behavior.

Which…invites satan into the husband/wife interaction.

Cue satan’s entrance into the spouse’s discussion:

Once a parent decides that the other parent is to blame for their child’s bad behavior, they inadvertently position themselves as enemies of their spouse.

This usually is not intentional, and it’s not so much about blame as it is trying to make sense out of their child’s bad behavior.

But this results in…

satan whispers to Dad, “See, she’s not just a witch to you, she’s mean to your daughter too!”

At the same time…

satan is whispering to mom; “He just sat there and let her talk to you like that, he doesn’t care about you, all he cares about is work!”

Which then results in an issue between the parents, who turn against each other:

Dad: You didn’t need to be so hard on her!

Mom: You work 50 hours a week, you don’t have the right to tell me how to discipline her!

Who do you think the husband and wife have made happy at this point?

That’s exactly right, satan couldn’t be happier!

And Jesus, well, He’s sad, but He won’t give up on you or your spouse.

So, who is to blame?

Truthfully? Both parents are responsible for their child’s behaviors, at least initially.

How?

1. When the parents started giving second chances instead of consequences
2. Started being inconsistent “just this once you can stay up later…”
3. Started letting behaviors go that they should have addressed-too tired to fight for an hour and a half
4. Gave in to high emotionality AKA lost their control of their emotions
5. Rescinded punishments; ungrounded, gave X-box back, etc…
6. Got distracted by something their child said that hurt their feelings and so they let the behavior go uncorrected
7. Choose to escape in social media, tv, alcohol or drugs instead of being fully present for their child.
8. Attack and shame their child instead of addressing the inappropriate behavior
9. Give revenge punishments instead of punishments that teach the child why what they did was wrong.

But God…

God always provides a way back, a strategy to get back on track, a plan of how to return to Him. So do not lose heart.

Memorize the 42 masks; I’ll tell you where to go from there.